Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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