Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
