Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
