those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
