p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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