I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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