Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
