I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
