Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
