Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
