guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
