Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
