I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up under a house in Key West
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
