Sry I called you an 8
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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