I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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