3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Pappa wants mamma naked
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
