Yo dont text me then not text me
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
