it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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