hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
