Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
