nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
