Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
