i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
