I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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