Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
