It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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