At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate