I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
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They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
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What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.