Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
