She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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