He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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