When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
