I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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