lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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