I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
