I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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