Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
