It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
