The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
