In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
