Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
