just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
