There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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