I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Life is so much better after having sex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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