I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
