I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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