I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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