mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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