and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
