oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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