I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
