I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
