plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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