I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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