The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
