And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
