You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
