I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
