I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
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I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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