My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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